Oh crap! Now I have to come out all over again!

8 06 2008

I have a confession to make.

I, Miss Nomered, who, about a year and a half ago, was all “Hey everyone! I’m a lesbian!”, am now dating a boy.

Actually, in the past year or so, I’ve been pretty reluctant to label my sexuality. I’m definitely very attracted to women, much more so than men. But I’m attracted to men (or people outside the gender binary, for that matter), every once in a while. But all the guys I’m attracted to are either trans, or really femme queer guys. (My boy is one of the two, but I’m not sure I’m supposed to announce which one.) I have zero attraction to straight, non-trans men.

Does this mean I’m bisexual? I don’t really feel bisexual; as said before, I’m way more attracted to women, and I have no attraction to straight, cisgender guys. Plus, the term “bisexual” seems to enforce that there are only two genders – when a lot of the people I’m attracted to are kind of outside the binary. Am I pansexual? No, not really. I’m not equally attracted to all genders – I really only am attracted to males once in a blue moon. And am I a lesbian? Well, up until a while ago, I thought so. I really love women, but that term doesn’t really fit if you’re dating a guy. And the whole “political lesbian” schtick, quite frankly, annoys the piss out of me. Mostly because it’s adopted by (actually straight) hippy-dippy granola womyn types. (Nothing wrong with being a hippy, or liking granola, it’s just that the Michfest crew et al have done a lot to piss me off lately). So none of the accepted labels fit.

Why am I going on about my personal life, in a blog where I never talk about my own life? Because the personal is political, that’s why.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you probably know that I identify as queer. It fits the best, it leaves something to the imagination, and being a “reclaimed” term, it catches people’s attention.

Some people, especially older, more conservative LGBT folk (and I use the shortened acronym, since they really don’t want to leave room for anything else), have a problem with me identifying as queer. And I understand it. I really do. Yes, I’m aware that it was used as a slur, and that it may make you uncomfortable. But you know what makes me uncomfortable? Being forced into a box that doesn’t fit, just so some feelings don’t get hurt. I don’t like being alternately referred to as “bisexual” and a “lesbian”. Nothing wrong with identifying as those – I just don’t. And I don’t like seeing my allies and friends told “You’re neither L, G, B or T, so get the fuck out.” Who are they even kidding by adding the “B” and “T” onto the acronym? I don’t see much concern for the B’s and T’s. Or anyone who’s main interest isn’t getting married. Same-sex marriage is a hugely important civil right, but is it really going to help a 15-year-old trans kid who’s living on the street and taking black market hormones without doctor supervision? The queer/trans community is not a monolith, and I’m sick of having to follow the party line to make people happy.

And for anyone who questions the legitimacy of me dating a guy? (It’s a new development; I don’t know if you can call it a relationship at this point.) Well, I am very, very happy – and still as queer as ever.

Even if I do have to come out all over again.

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13 responses

8 06 2008
queerunity

Hey Miss, I am in the same boat. Am I a gay man? I like some f2m’s and I don’t like the label bisexual. I prefer the term Queer as well, but I get heat from people who call me gay or bisexual or want me to choose. I actually blogged about this the other day and how Bisexuality might not be a good term to describe everyone with attractions to both genders.
http://queersunited.blogspot.com/2008/06/open-forum-is-bisexuality-old-school.html

8 06 2008
Tirade

You are what you are. You don’t need a label for that.

8 06 2008
drakyn

Heh, I’m just the opposite! I’m mostly attracted to other guys, yet I like queer and/or trans* women. Sometimes I’ll use gay or bi as a shorthand for queer when I don’t feel like going into what queer means for me, but queer is definitely the label I prefer.

8 06 2008
Brianne

Hey, Miss!

I believe that there’s really no reason why we should be restricted by unwritten rules. Anything otherwise just like being an atheist that thinks that you’re either “gay or you’re not”–they’re making it into somewhat of a religion. The same goes with Feminism. I feel sometimes because of various feminist articles and blogs that I read I’m being told to follow the “feminist rules”, even if they don’t exist. The reason why I like sexuality so much is because it’s something so fluid that doesn’t really have to have a restraint on it as long as everyone’s happy!

8 06 2008
Lyndsay

Labels suck. I am straight and have a boyfriend though lately I find women much more attractive than men. I don’t know if anything would ever happen with me and women even if I were single but I get there should definitely be an option that doesn’t sound like all one way or half and half. If only we could get this message out…

9 06 2008
Sunflower

I don’t mind “bisexual” as a way of saying, “I think both boy-bits and girl-bits are fun,” but I primarily identify as sapiosexual (because it’s mostly not the bits that influence who I want to get cozy with, it’s intelligence), and really like “queer” as an umbrella label because it gets away from the ever-growing alphabet soup and leaves room for fluidity.

Apparently there are folks out there that reject gay/lesbian and prefer SSL (for same-sex-loving) – so you wind up saying, or rather typing because it’s unpronounceable, GLBTTIQ/SSL… and then somebody else comes along and throws a fit because you didn’t include their pet letter. (Is polyamory queer? It sure can feel that way sometimes. How about asexuality? And so on.)

Meanwhile, there’s always someone to take offense at your self-chosen label, of whatever sort, and yell, “Yr Doin It RONG!!” (I can ignore and/or snark at the self-appointed Feminist Orthodoxy, because I’m used to ignoring/snarking at the self-appointed Pagan Orthodoxy.)

Sunflower

11 06 2008
Elizabeth McClung

Congrats! I think there is so much emphasis placed on the “shoulds” or the shoud nots or what label that people forget that being in love and falling in love and having someone love you is a good thing (assuming it is legal). So, you have A GOOD THING. And your good thing is not exactly what you thought was going to happen; I don’t think that lessens it, does it? It is a good thing.

Linda used to have a problem with the term lesbian becuase of her mother so she would say that she wasn’t lesbian, she just “happened to fall in love with one person at a time….which happened to be female.” Okay.

As for transitioned males or femmy guys, well, to be honest, the part I can’t get is the women who fall for the testosterone dripping, ideas from the last generation, “I am male, hear my privilage”, pumped up guys who think that “I smashed that basketball right in his face, slam dunk!” impresses females – I don’t get that, but it happens. That baffles me. transitioned males, femme guys, that doesn’t baffle me; both probably had to work through exactly who they are in terms of thier identity to become comfortable with it; that is appealing.

29 06 2008
anonymous

All you seem to talk about is your sexuality or sexuality in general. Who cares what you are or are not, there is more to life than your sexual identity. Give your self more credit!

29 06 2008
missnomered

Anonymous: I approved your comment, but just barely. I’m not happy with your comment, but I’ll go into that later.

30 06 2008
A-Non O'Miss

Hello Missnomered,

With Regards to the comment by anonymous (11:50:27) :

They are actually correct. Self-identification and self-identity is discovered through a plethora of different variables (such as hobbies, likes, dislikes, etc.). Although sexuality, and sexual identification is a factor, and sometimes a large factor at that, it is not the sole factor. As more rings on the trees are added in your life, you will realize that what you are and who you are is a mosaic of experiences through-out your life. I have noticed that you are an activist and a great writer. Such traits that exist may shape future decision-making as well as self-identifcation.

As per your comments to Anonymous. If you truly believe in freedom of speech and freedom of expression as most of us Americans do, than:

“I approved your comment, but just barely”, is just an immature way of dealing with a comment that you did not like.

Their comment was not slanderous or offensive in any way. As you have the right to be unhappy with their comment, they have the right to comment on your blog, otherwise you have become what you essentially hate.

A. Friend

30 06 2008
missnomered

Alright, point taken. I was in a bad mood.

However, if you actually talked to me (although I get the feeling that you might “know” me, given your anonymity, and I believe you may be the same person as the above commenter, as I never have gotten anonymous comments before), you would know that being queer is not the sole facet of my identity. In fact, if you poked around my blog a little, you would know that I write about a bunch of things. Like feminism, the media, disability, even Darfur.

And yes, I do blog about sex and sexuality. I noticed that while there are a lot of “sex bloggers”, almost all of them are over 25 or so – I felt that I could kind of fill a niche here.

(By the way: “Us Americans?” Your IP address is showing, hun.)

30 06 2008
A-Non O'Miss

Thank you for posting my comments!

2 things must be remembered:

1) Being a American could be a cultural identity, or perhaps where one is born, not nessarily where one lives.

2) IP masking – http://www.maskmyip.com – (somebody close to me showed me how to do this)

“Believe 1/2 of what you see, and none of what you hear”

3 08 2008
Summer

I like the term queer too. As a cis woman who’s been identified to herself, for “practical” purposes as bisexual since her first date with a woman, like, ever. Queer makes more sense for the reasons you say, it leaves a lot to the imagination and is nice and flexible.

I wouldn’t toss political lesbian totally out the window. Not because the examples of online political lesbianism (to take one example) are particularly stellar, but because in the life of someone of, say, fluid sexuality, there are times when it makes political sense to assert one’s identity as a woman who desires other women even if one is dating a man.

Came across your blog through belledame a few months ago and have been lurking on and off. I really enjoy your writing.

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